Coming Together in a world divided
Sadly, our world is in a bit of unrest, and has been for some time. In the past 2 years, I have heard more clients say they are having a hard time connecting with family members due to public or political issues, than ever before. People used to just fight over how to discipline kids or when to have the annual holiday party. It seems so many people now are struggling to connect because of opinions about political parties and candidates, standings on vaccinations, religion, and so much more. These issues are not new, but I have never heard so many complaints about them in therapy before. I frequently hear, “I feel like I don’t even know who they are anymore. How can I trust them at all if we see this issue so differently?” Though I can’t bring to fruition the common pageant objective of world peace, I do have some humble advice from my relational lens.
1. Take Media for what it is. Sometimes we either consume too much media in the first place, or forget the role and agenda of media. It is important to be informed, but if we are scrolling through feeds all day of sensationalized information, it is going to have an impact on our internal dialogue and our emotions. This will obviously impact relationships. Additionally, remember the media wants to inform AND entertain. Also, they are selling a product. There is always a little bit of added energy to an issue in the media because hype sells. Don’t let this be the grounds for your opinions or leverage against others.
2. Identify similarities. If there is anything I have learned from years of meeting with hundreds of people, we all have WAY more in common than the differences between us. If we hyper focus on the things that we don’t have in common, we are sure to feel a need for distance. If we instead focus on the things we have in common or the good experiences we have had with a person, we are sure to feel more flexible, trusting, and forgiving.
3. Listen. Typically, you and I don’t listen to very much of what someone else is saying before we are formulating a rebuttal or mentally discrediting what they are saying. What if I started listening intently, as if the relationship depended on it (it does)? Much of the time, two people in a feud are doing a lot of talking and not a lot of listening. The goal of listening should be to understand someone, not to collect ammunition or note points for debate. Similarly, speaking shouldn’t be to convert or convince, but rather build understanding as well.
4. Humility. We cannot speak or listen with the attitude that we are right and we know everything. First, this is not fun to be around. Second, we are all wrong and uniformed on lots of stuff! Many things don’t even have a right or wrong necessarily. There is too much to know and learn to let differences come in between our relationships. Always assume you can gain something from someone’s insight or experience, no matter how different they are. I have learned the most from the people who are the least like me. Makes sense eh?
At the end of the day, political candidates come and go, social issues change and morph constantly, and strangers that we will never meet are not worth sacrificing family and friends over. I don’t know about you, but peaceful loving relationships are far more important to me than winning any debate or convincing any minds. Safety and healthy boundaries can be maintained while using the skills listed above without a total breakdown of the relationship. So be kind.