Sexual Entitlement, Here’s what it looks like…
Sometimes, there are subtle or very explicit patterns of sexual entitlement running through our relationships and culture. Now, in my experience working with couples and individuals in therapy, nobody wakes up and says, “You owe me sex, so give it to me or else.” No, it usually looks more subtle when one is turned down for sexual activity. It can show up in beliefs like, “We are married so we should be having sex.” “If I don’t get sex here then I need to look at porn or get it elsewhere.” “We haven’t had sex in so long. That isn’t right. We should be having sex more frequently.” Do any or all of these sound familiar? Be sure to read on.
Here are some common entitlement patterns I see in my work around sex:
1. The Beggar. The beggar does not take no for an answer. The beggar views that their desire is more important or valid than their partner’s. Once an answer has been given, they continue to ask, and ask, and try to convince, and reason, and ask in hope that their partner will break down and eventually say yes. While this pattern is born from a view that my desires matter more than yours, you can see how it is laced with coercion. I don’t know about you, but this does not sound sexy to me. This is not the optimal way to enter a sexual encounter.
2. The Pouter. The pouter hears their partner turn down sexual activity and does not press or beg, rather they get very emotional and even angry at times. The pouter puts their emotional response to no sex back onto their partner. This partner is not always doing this to add pressure, but depending on the dynamic in the couple, this too can lead to pressure to have sex when someone doesn’t want to. If your partner feels the only way to “make you happy,” is to have sex with you, you may be a pouter.
3. The Leaver. The leaver responds to no sex with complete distance and shut out. They may distance themselves physically or more frequently, emotionally. This is basically the nonverbal way of saying, “If you don’t have sex with me, you can’t have any of me.” You can see how this too creates added emotional hurts and distance in the relationship that certainly will not improve your sex life.
So, what causes sexual entitlement? Part of the reason is cultural. Most individuals I meet with are kind and loving and would not want their partner to feel pressured even though they are frustrated with desire discrepancies in the relationship. In our culture, men are painted as sexual taker and owners while women are painted as sexual objects and givers. These themes are in movies, ads, family dynamics, pornography, language, clothing, and more. This doesn’t only mean that men experience sexual entitlement. I see this is women also, just less frequently. If you see sex as a need rather than a valued desire, you are setting yourself up to feel entitlement and inadvertently make your partner feel like they are starving you. That’s a lot of guilt, which doesn’t light most people’s sexual flame. Here is one of my favorite quotes by Frank Beach, Ph.D,
“No one has ever suffered tissue damage for lack of sex.”
Simply stated, this means sex is important, pleasurable, natural, connecting, and it’s not a need. You won’t die if you don’t have sex. It doesn’t bring the body back to homeostasis like food, water, sleep, and temperature regulation. Blue balls, are a MYTH! Typically, these patterns of entitlement lead to increased unsafety in the relationship and actually make the dynamic worse, more mismatched desire. There are much healthier ways to align our sexual desires with our partner’s sexual desires for increased gratification for both parties. If you would like to learn more, schedule an appointment today!